Freedom!

What I plan to do with all of my February Freedom:

*Spend a week with Amber in Austin…giggling, walking, talking, exploring and playing.

*Get to the Monday night Cardio Hip Hop class at the LAAC : 7:30-8:30 pm.

*Take advantage of the free consultation with a trainer at the LAAC for a fitness assessment.

*Get back to the African Dance class at The Heartbeat House- Wednesday nights at 7:30pm.

*Try the Cardio Soul dance class at The Heartbeat House- Wednesdays at 9am or Sundays at 2pm.

*Take a hip-hop class at The Edge.

*Continue with the gymnastics classes at Gymnastics Olympica.

*Go on dates with my husband.

*Start writing again.

*Read more.

*Live a little.

Mondo Beyondo- Pt. 2

My Mondo Beyondo List for 2008

*I want to let the music move me more often. Hip hop classes, personal dance parties, weekend club dancing.

*I want to give my body good whole nutrition and vitamins to allow me to do all the movement I want to do with all of the energy I need. I give myself permission to feel full and not sick. To give my body what it needs and also what it wants.

*And I want to EXPERIENCE life. I want to feel it all. The good and the bad. The ups and the downs. I want to make decisions on the fly. I want to follow my heart and be true to myself and not worry about what anyone else will say about my choices. I want to bring the funny back into my life. I want to make people wonder what’s gotten into me. I want to feel alive.

*And in true mondo beyondo fashion, the truly beyond my world things that I am eliciting for myself this year are reckless abandon, adventure, and dancing, singing and acting professionally.

Mondo Beyondo.

It's time for a new year. And that means it's time for Mondo Beyondo.

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)

In 2007, I created a marriage. After several months of anxiety, and confusion over whether or not I could commit and how I truly felt about marriage as an institution, I took the leap of faith. I am proud that I actually enjoyed my wedding weekend instead of worrying too much about the details and about what everyone else was thinking and doing. And I am proud that at the end of the year, I followed my heart, and told my boss I couldn’t continue in my current job because it wasn’t making me feel alive. I am proud that I am challenging the comfort and the security of the routine.

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?
(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)

I am disappointed that a large part of 2007 was spent battling instead of celebrating myself. I forgive myself for not envisioning my relationship and/or my marriage in the way some other people do. I forgive myself for trying to make myself fit that mold and for thinking something was wrong when I didn’t.


3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?
The final step is to consider your primary focus for the year to come. What is your primary intention or theme for 2008? Is "2008 is my year of...."

2008 is my year of LIVING. I can no longer accept feeling like I am watching life happen all around me. I want to be a part of it. I want to explore, adventure, have fun and play with reckless abandon. I want to stop being so responsible and worrying about the consequences. Just do what feels right in the moment and worry about what comes next once you get there.

One and done.

I love the feeling of relief. Time to let it all go.

Just Two...

I love having something to look forward to. I can't wait to get out of town and play in the snow and relax and not worry about money or a job or decisions. Almost there!

My lucky number.

I love presents. Especially really good presents like the ones I got yesterday! :)

Four.

I love alone time. It’s like visiting a special place with no rules. A place where you don’t have to listen to anyone but yourself and you can do exactly what you want to do the way you want to do it without worrying about what other people think and without needing to justify any how’s or why’s.

5.

I love my best friend Amber, because she always knows exactly what to say.

"look
i remember when you had more dreams than hours in the day
you were all write this and act that
and dog this and vet school that
and all sorts of really fun new ideas
and then what you got handed was producing
not acting or writing
and we take what we are handed because it is easy
but when we take what we are handed we stop thinking about what we really want
but i am here to remind you that although quitting your job is utterly horrifying,
staying at it will kill you
you deserve more than a sense of security
you deserve to be happy"

Six.

The truth of the matter is that...well...I love...diet coke. There, I said it. And no, love is not too strong of a word.

SEVEN.

I love to be happy. I just need to find out how to get back to that place.

Eight.

I love to be pleasantly surprised.

Single Digits.

I love the promise of waking up tomorrow and starting over.

Ten.

I love my dad.

1 and 1.

I love security. Emotional, physical, financial...you name it.

Twelve.

I love relaxation techniques that actually work. Last night, for me, that included stretching, sipping hibiscus tea and listening to The Darjeeling Limited Soundtrack. Exhale.

Lucky number

I love to be good at what I do.

T

I love to feel excited about something. Anything. Tomorrow is my first gymnastics lesson in about 23 years. I can't wait to try all of those things I remember loving as a kid and moving my body in new ways. When I got the phone call yesterday to confirm the lesson (it wasn't easy finding a place willing to teach an adult gymnastics!) I was so giddy with excitement that I squealed. It felt so great to feel that anticipation bubbling up inside. That is definitely a feeling that I need to find a way to elicit again as often as possible.

Fifteen?

I love to cross things off my to-do list.

Still Life.

I love to solve problems.

Oh 17...

I love long leisurely un-rushed mornings...i.e. not today.

18.

I love being able to bring my dog to work. It never hurts to have an extra reminder to smile around and it's hard for things to get too heated when there is a wagging tail in the room.

Less than twenty...

I love to be efficient. So efficient that it surprises and awes people.

I love possibilities.

21.

I like being funny and making people laugh.

Twenty-two...

I love to feel fit and strong and agile. Just something about it that makes me feel in touch with my body and aware of what is happening in every inch. The human body really is an amazing thing.

Oh 23...

Have I mentioned how much I love animals? If there is one thing that can always make me smile...it probably can't talk :)

24.

I love cake. mmm...cake...

Still has to be 25.

I love to laugh. Like a good hard belly laugh. An 'I might not be able to stop' kind of laugh. A 'you're laughing too loud!' kind of a laugh. I need to find a way to experience this kind of laughter on a much more regular basis.

26 Days...

I can see 26. Can you?
#26: I Like to inspire people.
(bizarre that I'm the only one it's tough to inspire.)

Feeling a little off today.

But in keeping with my promise to list one thing every day that I love, well, I love to sing.

#28

The first ones on the list are always the easiest because those are the ones you already know. So the easy answer for today is that I like to dance and dancing makes me happy. Now get ready for a few days down the road when you actually have to think about this!

2 to the 9.

All of this counting down allows me to focus rather constantly on the present and the 29 days that are right in front of me. And I think in some ways that is a cop out. Because it is easy to think about what already is. I think that is what is referred to as dwelling. It's much harder to think about the future and figuring out what it really is that makes me happy in this world. Because that requires decisions, and change and inevitably mistakes. So, time to face the facts and each day recognize one thing that makes me happy or that I want to explore. And today's one thing is MUSIC.

30 days to say yes instead of no.
30 days to look at things in a different light.
30 days to realize that life
isn't about a countdown.

Monday, Monday.

Why is change so scary? It is truly shocking to me as I am counting down the number of work days left, that when I stop and think of the changes to come, I start to reconsider. Maybe this isn't so bad. Maybe nothing else will ever be better. Maybe I shouldn't leave. Maybe I will regret leaving. It is going to be work to figure out a new city and a new job and new people. But maybe, just maybe, all this newness and work will be just what I need to make me feel alive again. Because getting up every day and knowing exactly what it holds for you just isn't much fun. and i definitely am in need of more fun.

32 days...

Seems like forever.

Double 3's.

The countdown to change

t minus...

Swap this.

Something to Smile About.

Somehow, after all of that, the year is almost over. And as much as I want to despair and revel in the fact that not much has changed and I am still just going through the motions, that simply cannot be true. No. This has been a year of change. Some of it subtle, some glaringly obvious. It has been a year of thought and inner excavation and while a lot of changes have not yet happened, they are in motion. I can feel it. I can feel that I will no longer be okay just thinking about all of the things that would be fun to do, but just don't make sense. I can feel that maybe the most logical decision isn't the best. And I can feel that maybe it is time to just have some fun and let go. Maybe it is okay that a decision I make right now won't be the right one in the future. Because when I get to the future and discover that I will have a chance to make another decision to change courses all over again. So enjoy the moment. Worry a little less. Smile a little more. And take a chance. And then another. What else is there?

World Spins Madly On.

Woke up and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. I thought of you and where you'd gone, and let the world spin madly on. Everything that I said I'd do, like make the world brand new, and take the time for you. I just got lost and slept right through the dawn, and the world spins madly on. I let the day go by. I always say goodbye. I watch the stars from my window sill. The whole world is moving and I'm standing still. Woke up and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. The night is here and the day is gone, and the world spins madly on. I thought of you and where you'd gone, and the world spins madly on.

A reminder.

looking forward to looking back.

at some point, i stopped living my life based upon how i felt
and started living it on a schedule
i'm not sure when it happened.
and i can't remember the last time i did something just because
i felt like it.

and now i am trying to fight my way back
into my own conciousness.
to question how i feel about things
and ask the why's and the how's and the where's
and then do what i feel.

not because it is the way to save money
or the way to save time
or what i should be doing
or what makes the most sense
but because i can.

Orange Friday.

Don't call me trash.

Thursday Brown....

Because things aren't always what they seem.

Green, green...

Is the sweetest color I've ever seen.

Red, White and BLUE

Happy 4th of July!

Yellow again.

Yellow in their purity. Yellow in how they reach up towards the sky thirsting for the sun. Yellow in how they make me feel when i sit on the sidewalk and gaze into their eyes.

The first week of this project was about opening my eyes. The second week is about opening my mind. Time to start getting a little creative in the world of color. More to come...

True Love.

Comfort.

Mugs have always signified comfort to me and comfort combined with these vibrant orange colors equals a complete feeling of WARMTH regardless of what it is filled with.

Thursday Brown and White.

I drive past this ad every day on my way home from work and have always loved it. I'm so glad that this project finally made me take the time to pullover and capture it. Nothing like an old-timey ad for some old-timey root beer. Yum.

Blues.

Because sometimes all you need to do is look up to know that it will all be okay.

Yellow Monday.

This morning I quickly realized that the color of the day picture project isn't really about the picture at all. It is about opening your eyes to every detail of that color and every element that you previously blended into the scenery. Today was about big, beautiful sunflowers, yellow graffitti, yellow walls, dandelions, magnolias and lemons. All of it felt very much like summer shining all around me.

COLOR.

I have been in need of a little beauty as of late. A reminder of all of the beautiful colors out there just waiting to be explored and enjoyed. And so next week, as a little kick in the pants, I am going to take part in the color challenge.

"Each day focus on one color when taking photos. Show one photo, several or a collage... a color a day, which is a fun idea. Here it is:

monday-yellows
tuesday-blues, turquoises
wednesday-greens
thursday-whites or browns or blacks
friday-oranges
saturday-reds or purples or pinks"

So go out and find some color and breathe it in deeply and then capture it.